Things Left Unspoken: 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Difficult people and even more difficult feelings. aka jealousy

first off, difficult people!!! i do not understand why some people just love to make things hard for others. i mean come on!!! people have their own problems as it is without you making the list longer. you have got to cooperate and live by the give and take rules and not just take. or in this case, demand something that will inconvenience other people. think of others for a change why don't you.

if that isn't annoying enough, my jealousy of this other girl has gotten me feeling bad about myself which by the way is the most horrible feeling in the world. as it stands, i already have a low self esteem problem and seeing other people be much more prettier than me and be so natural at it makes me so damn jealous. and i do not even want to be jealous. i wish this thing, this feeling, would just go away.

plus, i don't want to trouble my dad by making him drive all the way to this shopping complex to send me for a movie with my friends but my friends are insisting that we go there because it is closer for that one friend who loves that shopping complex for no apparent reason. even though they know that my dad can't drive properly and my mom is too much of a don not trouble me kid of a person, they still insist on having the outing there. oh how much i hate them for that. i hate the fact that this has happened to me. the fact that my dad can't drive and he was the sporting one who would actually drive us here and there without complaining at all. my mom on the other hand, no disrespect to her or anything but she will always complain of everything. and everything and to convenience her. argh!! don't you just feel annoyed by people like that. but oh well, this is all a testing by god. i need a solution. period. this squabbling will never help.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The Me Behind the Smile

who am i?
A misontropist
a.k.a. a person who doesnt like to socialize with anyone
then why do i care?
because my supposed best friend has many friends that are tight with her. and all of a sudden i feel like i dont know her. she doesn't act the way she wants to in front of me. like as if there is a restrain in the things she does. why is that so? i dont understand. does she feel uncomfortable with me or is it someting else. as to why i care? its only because she is closer to so many people and she has fun with them and she doesn't act normally in front of me. like she has something to hide or something to prove. its not that she has more friends then i do. i have tons of friends. but the thing is that none of them are close to me. none of them know me. know the true me. but she has got true friends. i suspect that i am jelous of her
should i be jealous?
nope. i am my own unique person and i chosse to be this way. the quiet way and i am the one who chose not to tell anyone my secrets.
what dont i have that she does?
close friends and someone to lean on. someone like a bf .
does this effect my soul?
nah. i dont think so. how can wanting not to share your life and pain with someone have an effect on my soul? right???
what's the point of this post?
i have no idea. i think its supposed to help coz this post is sort of my scape goat and my best freind that i can confide everthing to.
has it helped?
somewhat. i guess everybody does need someone to confide to. and in this case, it is you my dear dear blog that no one reads.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

GOOD LUCK MY DEAR DEAR BROTHER!!

Today, I had to leave my only brother at his new college where he will be boarding for the next two years. I cannot imagine what I am to do without him. He was always the person who would fill my time with useless things like having to take off the dandruff on his head. We indeed had the best of times and the worst of times together and I cannot bring myself to believe that he is not here any longer for the next two weeks and even then he will only be here for two days. It seemed that just yesterday we were the young people who would never have even have dreamed of going to college because it seemed so far away. Indeed time flies away unnoticed and no matter how much we rant about it, time will never stop and neither will it wait for us to catch up with it. It aches my heart to think of growing up and even more of having to send you off to a residential college. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that it will be for his own good that he is sent to a boarding college. I hope he is successful in his life and develops all the habits that will make him a better man in the future. So, I wish you all the best and good luck my dear dear brother.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The King of Pop

Michael Jackson - The King of Pop (1948-2009)

I never knew that Michael Jackson's music was soo good. Until of course he died. Whenever someone mentioned his name, the image formed in my head was of a man who had turned from black to white and had had several nose jobs. At one point, I even believed that his nose was detachable.

But now, I see a man who had a great talent and a man who dared to take a change. A man with a suppressed childhood and a man who cared for the world. His music is surprisingly good and it is no wonder that he was given the well deserved title of the King Of Pop.

Here are a few of his songs:

Thursday, July 2, 2009

HURT

Just when I think that things are not so bad, they take a turn for the worse. That stupid idiot of a shit face said in front of a whole class that I look like a donkey. They all started to laugh and one of them even fell of his chair laughing at me. None of them even denied it. Only one of them said 'don't be so mean'. The person who said don't be so mean is just thoughtful but nevertheless is unwilling to say that I do not look like a donkey because I probably do look like a donkey.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Spoilt

I hate not getting what I want. I want someone to like me but the truth is that no one ever has. I want HIM to think of me as a best friend if not a girlfriend but he only thinks of me as one of his many close friends. It is heartbreaking to realize that you have been abruptly woken up from the most wonderful dream that in truth was too good to be true in the first place. I long to be loved. I doubt that I really like him. It's just that he is always there so I have chosen him to fill the satisfaction of my own lonely and loveless life. I have been spoilt by the television and romance books that tell tales of true love and everlasting marriages. But when I look around me all I seem to see is divorce cases flocking into court rooms like birds that flock away during the winter. Is there such a thing as true love? Even if there isn't, I want it. I want someone to love me, hold me and cherish me the way Romeo did Juliet. The fact that he regards me as his 20th closest friend, and after a string of other girls, should be a slap in the face for me. But I still want him to love me. No. NO, not him. Anybody. Anybody would do. He is just another unlucky person whom I have thrust a shining suit of armour onto. He himself means nothing to me. I feel like such an idiot. And I probably am. But what the heck, I am still young and ignorant. I want to find my true love before I turn 27. That gives me about 12 more years. Wish me luck!!!

Friday, June 19, 2009

LOL

This is pretty funny. But it would be heart breaking if it were true. As Jane Austin said 'Life is a comedy to those who think but a tragedy for those who feel'.

Extra Class

I have just come back from an extra class given by Mrs F. She is in a pityful condition and I have to admit that I feel sorry for her. I thought that she had a heart attack but it turns out that a disc in her spine had slipped. I am not entirely sure whether or not the former is worse than the latter. I wore long pants and a pink shirt and I hate to say that it wasnot fashionable at all. I see others in clothes that reaaly bring out the best in them and with their hair et down to caress their face. But I do not own clothes like those neither do I have the guts to suddenly let my hair loose and look pretty. I feel helpless and sad at the thought of it all. He hardly noticed me. I can barely tell if he does. He is as unpredictable as life itself. I am still confused as to whether I truly like him or not. He is only partly what I want in a man. He is kinder than most of the people I know. He has almost all the good values in the world and that matters to me more than what he looks like. However, he is also ungentlemanly in some aspects and loves to gossip which is not a trait a man should possess. Anyway, back to the extra class, Mrs F asked the class for a favour to drop her off at the nearby petrol station. Nobody even volunteered so I did. But in the end someone else said that they could send her back to her house instead. I pitied her because almost everybody left without botherin about her transport home except the few of us including me and HIM. That's why I said he is kind. But nevertheless, I know that he is not attracted to me in the least bit. Afterall, who is attracted to someone like me? A girl who does not have the outward appearance to match the otherwise 'nice person' attitude. Most people say that I am nice. But am I still nice even after this blog? I am a hypocrite for not letting other people know what I really think about them and instead pouring it all into this blog. I am horrible and am the least dateable person in my entire class. I am what I am. And thats all there is to it.

Love??

Wikipedia defines love as any of a number of emotions related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. Some define love as a mare illusion made by us humans based on what we read in books and what we see in movies. Yet somehow, if it were just a simple illusion of the heart, why and how could it hurt so much? I like someone. A almost special someone. But I am not blinded by my heart and am very much aware that this unfortunate crush of mine is not perfect person and is by no means a suitable candidate in my books. This person is both dense and childish beyond my wildest imagination.

But nevermind about that now. Right now, I wish to tell you dear blog, about someone else. Another completely and entirely different story. A story of a friend who has a maddening crush on his closest freind. His whole Facebook account is filled to the brim with feelings of remorse over something he did. What exactly he did, I know not. Sadly for him, she doesn't want to talk to him anymore because of a silly mistake he had made. He is torn to bits and I cannot stand it any longer. I said maddening because it is not only torturing him but it has put off my entire day seeing someone as unhappy as I see him now. Has everyone forgotten the phrase 'Forgive and forget'? His sadness effects me somehow. It effects me because I never had anyone to confide to when I was feeling wretched about some silly highschool love. Even now nobody knows that I have a crush. I have been lting all this time by saying that I have never had a crush in all my life. In truth, I just cannot bring myself to the hummiliation of liking someone when that person has no feelings whatsoever towards me.
Everything my love sick friend says and the way he sulks just puts me off. I wish he would just shut up and either move on or just go for her. I cannot stand the whining and the complaining nor the 'I wish I was dead' sign written all over his face. There is absolutely no time like the present so if he wants to get something done, he should do it now before it eats him up even more. Perhaps I am being selfish by thinking that just because I suffered at the hands of 'love' without a shoulder to lean on, it gives me the right to feel sick at the thought of him whining to other people about his problems. But seriously man!! Do something about it!! Don't just cry and think that everything will be alright once you are done crying to your heart's content.
What really bothers me is that he has very conveniently placed the tormenting topic of love on my otherwise contented mind. Love is unexpected, unpredictable and yet somehow worth it. But it is only woth it if you work for it. So my advice to you is this; just go for it and never look back. Life is too short to spend time thinking of 'what if'.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Somewhere between the lines

Dear blog,

Today, for the first time in what seems to be a long time, I was hyper. I seem to have forgotten how extrodinarily good it feels to do something that you would never otherwise do when you are in your sences. Being silly with friends can be so much unspeakably fun. Until of course you realize that the teacher is staring at you from the front of the class with those eyes. I cannot pretend to be happy all the time and I cannot pretend to be misrable either. Today I suspect, is a good day and I shall not waste it by allowing troubles to harass me.
I hardly know what possesed me to be so emotional yesterday as to write such a post as I did. But today is a different day with new hopes, visions and insights. And today, I shall be happy and joyful and restrain as best I can from the evil caresses of misery.

-just recieved my mid year exam results
-the marks for both my language subjects are miserable
-have to work harder in order to improve my english

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat"

I made this blog for no other reason than to have a diary. I shall forever remain anonymous solely because I do not wish to hurt anybody's feelings but at the same time, I am unable to bottle up my emotions like as if they do not matter. For too long have I had to hide what I think and feel behind a fake smile that has been perfected over the years. A misanthropist to the core, I find it hard to relate my feelings even to my most closest friends. Usually, I find myself the listener and not the one sharing my problems which at times, seem unbearable. This blog is the whole other side of me, my very own Mr Hyde. The side that shall never show itself outside this blog. I shall be as misrable or as hypocritical as I wish but at the end of the post, I shall never complain or pass a bad comment. This blog will remain my sole confider of all things and everything.

Things Left Unspoken